“So you like him then? This guy that you keep texting every time we hang out.” I barely hear her; I’m distracted by a message he sent me.
I bet you look stunning today
I smile widely, a ball of paper hits me on my arm. I look up to see my friend, Sophie, trying not to laugh.
“What’d you say?” I ask placing my phone on the table.
“You just answered my question.” She rolls her eyes and I poke my tongue at her.
“To answer your question, I don’t know. I mean he’s attractive and funny but…” I stare down at my phone which is lit up with his reply and I try to hide my smile.
Sophie laughs at me, “oh baby you have it so bad!”
I throw the ball of paper back at her. I turn back to the computer and read the same sentence that I’ve been trying to read all day. I met him a few weeks ago at the café, my card kept declining and he offered to pay for my coffee. I let him of course and we sat down at the café and talked for over an hour before he had to go back to work. He cracked jokes and made me laugh, even told me about his past, that’s one thing I didn’t expect, I mean I just met the guy and we started getting personal real fast. I don’t know about him but it didn’t bother me one bit, I had this feeling that I could trust him. So far he hasn’t given me any reason to believe my gut instinct was wrong.
The phone lights up again.
I don’t reply right away. We’ve had dinner multiple times before but this time is different, this time I know that my feelings for him aren’t as innocent as I keep letting on.
“He drives me crazy Soph.” I finally say turning to look at her.
She tilts her head to the side and raises her eyebrow questioningly.
“No, not that kind of crazy. I mean he drives me up the wall sometimes, in a way that makes my heart hit the brick wall that I have built around it and it’s starting to crumble. I’m starting to let him in. I’m not the type to take risks, I play it safe because I’ve been down this rabbit hole before, I don’t know if I’m ready to fall again.” Shaking my head, I look back at the computer screen. I don’t’ know but something about diving into my work makes me feel sane, like having a sense of control amongst all these uncontrollable feelings helps me feel a little normal.
“It’s okay to fall Brie.” She whispers.
I nod but I don’t know if I agree. It’s easy for her to say that because her girlfriend is amazing, treats her like a queen. My last boyfriend stole everything from me, I left him with nothing but the clothes on my back because he sold everything to cover his gambling debts. It wasn’t until he hit me that I decied that it was time to leave.
“Brie, you deserve to be happy. You left your ex two years ago, you’ve been single ever since. To be completely honest I don’t know have you have lasted this long without intimacy.” She tuts.
I giggle, of course she would say that, she’s quite sexually active. If I’m being honest, for me, sex is not something I give away so easy. I have to have a deep emotional connection with someone.
Sighing I turn back towards her. “Here’s the thing, yes he drives me crazy, he makes me feel so out of control that I don’t know if what I’m feeling is a kind of rebellion or if it’s something real. I’m leaning towards the something real because look at me, do I look like the type to rebel?” I ask pointing to myself.
Sophie laughs and shakes her head.
“Exactly.” I giggle. “I keep trying to find any kind of reason to make him go away, you know, to protect myself but there’s nothing. I can’t find a damn thing about him that I don’t like. I don’t want to want him like I do but I can’t help it. I feel like we’re magnets, it doesn’t matter where in the hell we are, we somehow end up gravitating to each other.”
Sophie blinks at me, I can’t make out her expression.
“Soph you still with me?” I ask snapping my fingers in her direction.
She shakes her head as if to shake herself out of a trance, “I’m still here.”
I shrug my shoulders and turn back to the computer screen.
Phone in my hand I stare at the screen. why can’t I ignore you?
I feel her hand on mine.
“I can’t help it; I think I’m falling for him.”