This is my confession to you, a story of how a girl came to realise her feelings.

It started with a smile, I was walking along the street when I saw you. You smiled at me and I somehow broke out of my comfort zone and said hello. We talked and it was great, I told you about my music and you told me about yours. I didn’t know it yet but I like you.

We started hanging out, probably more than we should have. I enjoy your company, it helped that you and I have so much in common, made it so easy to talk to you. You’re a fellow musician, you played guitar and I played piano. I wanted to share my accomplishments with you and it’s what I did, what I still do. You motivate me to keep singing. I still didn’t know it yet but I like you.

Then came the time you came to a party with my friends, you charmed them with the same charm you used with me. They find you to be a genuinely good person. They knew what I didn’t, they knew that my heart was softening. They would tell me, you like him and we can tell. I wasn’t ready to admit it freely yet but I like you.

I’ve spend days being overthinking what I say to you, grilling myself for the inappropriate things I’ve said but smiling because you didn’t mind. Your humour is what I like most, you make everything seem so easy. We’re always laughing and joking, there’s never a dull moment. My favourite memory is when you came to an open mic night I was performing at and you got up and danced on your own, it helped me feel comfortable. By the end of my performance I couldn’t stop laughing, I ended up going home with a stitch in my side. I’m still not ready to say it out loud yet but I like you.

Then there was the disagreement, I went a little too far with my anger. Said some rude things and was too stubborn and proud to apologise straight away. I left it alone for a few hours, shaking my head at the audacity I had. I shouldn’t be judging you, I should be changing your mind. That you don’t have to beautiful to be something wonderful in someone’s life. Oh shit, I like you…

Talking to my friends, they all say the same thing. Tell him how you feel, you don’t know unless you try. I’m noticeably struggling to find the words. I’m stuttering and I’m nervous. I have a drink to calm my nerves and when I finally see you, I couldn’t get the words out. If you turn around and reject me, I fear that I’ll lose the friendship we’ve built. The laughing and flow of conversation stops me from saying anything. I’m torn between telling the truth or hold it in a little longer. Fucking hell, I like you.

One night, we’re sitting together talking, laughing about disagreements and misunderstandings. I was having fun but I tell you about something I wrote, a song I wrote for someone I liked. You asked if it was for you, my heart lurched and in a split second I thought about telling you but instead I laugh and I lie to you. The first lie I tell you and it had to be about how I feel. You laughed in response, I felt like you were laughing at the idea that I could have feelings for you, you said that if I did have feelings for you that it would complicate things. This made me bite my tongue. I see now that if I told you of my feelings, you would reject me. I’m not a silly girl, I know that you know how I feel but you choose to ignore it.  Damn it, it was time to move on.

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